Meet for sex
Meet for Sex UK: Say It Plainly, Agree It, Then Meet
Looking for sex? Three moves from a first message to a meet-up that both of you wanted.
How it goes
Ask, agree, show up
Say it plainly
Put what you want in one honest line, in your profile and your first message. The right people say yes and everyone else moves on.
Agree it in writing
Settle where, when and what each of you wants in the site’s messages before anyone travels. A written plan is hard to misremember.
Meet and check in
Pick a public place, arrive by your own route and tell a friend. Keep asking “still happy with this?”, and treat a change of mind as final.
First messages
What a good first message sounds like
Suggestive is fine. Vague is not. A good opener names something from their profile, says what you are after and offers one small, public step.
One that works
Hi, your line about Sunday swims made me smile. I’m after something casual, nothing heavy. Fancy a drink somewhere public on Thursday, and we’ll see where the night goes?
Short, personal and easy to say yes to. A 2015 review on turning online contact into a first date, drawing on 86 studies (Evidence-Based Medicine, a BMJ journal), found that short messages picking up a trait from the profile got the best response.
One that does not
Hi. Up for it tonight? What’s your address?
It says nothing about them, hurries a stranger and asks for the one detail nobody should hand over in a first message.
Plain English
The words people use for what they want
- A one-off
- One meet-up, agreed as a one-off from the start. A polite message the next day is good manners. More on casual fling.
- A regular
- The same sex partner again, whenever you both fancy it. You set the rhythm together, and either of you can end it with a plain message.
- A flirt first
- Banter before any plan exists, for people who like the chat before they pick a time and place. The sex chat page shows how.
- No strings
- In Cambridge Dictionary’s sense, nobody expects it to last, or to be the only one. It only works if you both said so first.
Before you travel
What to agree before you meet
- What you both want. A one-off or a regular, and whether either of you sees other people. Use words, not hints.
- Protection. Who brings condoms, and what each of you needs to feel comfortable. The NHS names condoms, used every time, as the best protection from HIV and other infections passed on during sex. More in safer sex before you meet.
- A word or a way out. An agreed word that means stop, or a plan for leaving. A plain “I’m heading off” should always be enough too.
- Who pays for what. Drinks, the taxi home, a room if you need one. Nobody asks the other for cash, a transfer or a gift card, ever.
- What happens after. A text the next day, a second meet or a clean goodbye. It is easier to say before than after.
The first meeting
Making the first meet feel easy
Meeting up for sex starts with a first meeting, which is not a promise. Choose a public place, get there by your own route and tell a friend who, where and when you will message. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust, the UK personal safety charity, adds that you should stay in touch with that friend before, during and after.
Whether it goes further is for the two of you to decide on the night, and a drink and a goodbye is a perfectly good result. Our guide to meeting a hookup safely has the full checklist, and the safety page lists the site’s tools.
Consent
A yes can become a no at any point
Consent means agreeing by choice, and you can withdraw it at any time, even halfway through. NHS guidance for England lists what does not count: being intoxicated, not being asked, saying nothing, feeling you have to say yes, or having said yes before. Pressure is not consent.
If someone goes quiet, pulls away or says maybe, stop and ask. Pressure has a cost beyond the night itself: in a 2015 Cornell University study, 528 US undergraduates were followed through one academic year, and hooking up under pressure, from themselves or from others, was linked to lower self-esteem while hooking up by choice was not.
Our guide to getting an STI test in the UK covers each nation’s services, and the NHS in England counts having sex with new partners among the reasons to visit a sexual health clinic.
Questions about meeting for sex
How do I ask someone to meet for sex?
Keep it light, specific and easy to refuse. Mention something from their profile, say what you are after and suggest a small public step, like a drink on a named evening. If they say no or go quiet, leave it there.
What should I put in my profile?
A recent photo, a username that is not your real name and one clear line about what you want. The Terms ban personal contact details on profiles, so leave those out. Our guide to hookup profile tips has wordings to copy.
Is it normal to talk first?
Yes, and it helps: a few messages show whether you want the same thing and how someone handles a no. Do not let it drag, though. A 2015 review drawing on 86 studies (Evidence-Based Medicine, a BMJ journal) found that online chats were more likely to end in a meeting when they moved to a date early.
What if someone pushes for details or money?
Do not give either. Report Fraud, which covers England, Wales and Northern Ireland, tells people never to send money to anyone they have not met in person, and the Terms forbid soliciting money from members for services. Block, report and read our guide to dating scams in the UK.
What should I do before the first meeting?
Agree the plan in the site’s messages, tell a friend who you are meeting and where, charge your phone and sort your own way home. Settle the protection too. An NHS sexual health clinic can advise on protection and testing.
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